i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
