she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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