yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
there was a trapeze. enough said
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
