Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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