I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
