I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I want to be your penis for a week.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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