Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
