I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
