I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
