Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
