Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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