My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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