Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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