i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
