i think i have two assholes
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The power of my boobs compel you
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Randomize
