weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
What drink are we having for lunch?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
