oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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