I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
