I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
