I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
