Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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