there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My ATM looks so different sober.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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