just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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