in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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