Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
