im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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