Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
