I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
