I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
