Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
