I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
