Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
