ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
