Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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