tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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