yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
