I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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