I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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