well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
