I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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