people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
