I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
try to milk me bitch
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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