Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
