Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
