Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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