The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
