wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
