Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
