Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
