I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
