he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
